Monday, September 22, 2008

Joe Biden's Secrets Revealed!

Well known: Joe Biden has had a hair transplant.

Not well known: from his back.

Joe Biden currently has the lowest net worth of any Senator. Before 1994, Biden was the 5th wealthiest Senator. He, like many Americans, made foolish investments during the Beanie Baby craze.

Biden can crush 2 walnuts at a time in his "knee-pit".

In his first year of law school, Biden was accused of plagiarizing portions of an article written for the Syracuse Law Review. Biden attributed the mistake to his ignorance of citation rules, his inexperience using the time machine he invented in undergrad, and his underestimation of Thomas Jefferson's tolerance for wine.

Biden has commuted, by train, from Wilmington Delaware to Washington DC, every day since 1972. He has a reserved seat on that train. It is a saddle, bolted to the roof.

Biden is well known for making public gaffes. One of his most famous:

Reporter: "Are you aware you are well know for making public gaffes?"

Biden: "Gaffes? Is the your homo-way of saying I like to use the word 'cunt' in my speeches?"

Biden has a lifetime 86% scoring from the ACLU, regarding his alignment with their issues. He has overall moderate views, but has consistently voted to take guns away from police officers and in favor of mandatory abortions for white women.

Biden is recognized by the color of his hair. On September 27, 1980 it turned from jet black to white, within 10 minutes of his learning of the death of Led Zeppelin drummer John Bonham.

Biden's nickname in the senate is "The Barn Owl". It has little to do with his legislative technique, but everything to do with his "spirit animal", encountered during a 4 day metaphysical journey he took though the senate chambers, after eating hallucinogenic cacti.


JE said...

Achewood's Todd Squirrel is based on Joe Biden.

Mogge said...

Cut Biden some slack! We're all still mourning Bonham.