Sunday, September 21, 2008

The Latest Sarah Palin Rumors!

Have you heard the latest Sarah Palin rumors? Probably not, because I am making them up right now, as I type. Here you go:

Sarah Palin has two rows of bottom teeth.

Sarah Palin has recently popularized the high neckline suit jacket for women, which she wears to hide the "Property of the Anchorage Mara Salvatrucha-13" tattoo on her collar bone.

Alaskans do not have an accent. The most common way of acquiring the nasally tinge Palin speaks with is consuming a lot of cheap blow.

The Alaskan Independence Party, of which Palin was a member, promotes the secession of Alaska from the United States. It cites such issues as economic regulation, land management, and the most common reason states secede from the union, slavery.

When illustrating Palin's executive experience, reference is often made to her 6 years as mayor of Wasilla Alaska. A town with a population smaller than the high school I went to. (actually, this one is a well substantiated fact.)

Citing precedent, set forth by spouses of former Alaskan governors, Sarah makes Todd Palin pee sitting down.

Sarah Palin, in the 80's, made money on bar bets by inserting a cherry stem up her "lady parts" and tying it into a knot. This is the source of 2 controversies. 1) Sources have come forward alleging she stuck an already knotted cherry stem up her "lady parts" before she would go out for the evening. 2) She has never reported this income on her tax forms.

During the Exxon Valdez oil spill crisis, Sarah Palin, using connections made through the Wasilla school district PTA, borrowed a penguin from the Anchorage zoo, covered it in oil, and arranged photo opps showing her cleaning and nursing it back to health. Against the advice of Greenpeace volunteers at the scene, Palin then returned the penguin to the ocean, where it was quickly covered in oil from the slick which had not yet dissipated. The penguin soon died. It was soon after realized, penguins are not native to Alaska. Palin, humiliated by the experience, declared war on nature.

Sarah Palin, a journalism major in college, does not know what a gerund is, nor how to find out what a gerund is.

Sarah Palin is touted as a standout basketball star, a point guard and team captain at Wasilla High School. However, official national high school basketball statistical records place an asterisk next to her name, as well as many other Alaskan high school basketball players, which notates: never played against any black people.


Mogge said...

Welcome GW!

This post is painfully funny! (The pain may be due to the fact that it made me choke on my Diet Coke)

I'm pretty sure that the cheap blow may be responsible for the bulk of the other scandals..

Also- it is now your fault if whenever I see the "First Dude" I picture him peeing lady-style.

GW said...

thanks mogge.

unfortunately i just found an "infographic" on The Onion with the exact same premise.

Just want to put it on the record that I didn't intend to copy them.

Although this is going to be the same premise for half the jokes on late night TV until November so I think i can be forgiven.